My younger sister and I are three years apart. Three years and one day, to be exact.
Growing up, the majority of my friends were either three years younger or three years older than their sibling. (The majority of them also had just one sibling.) So I always thought a three year age difference between siblings was standard. Standard and practical — that way, only one child would be in diapers at a time.
When my husband and I first started talking about having children, I expressed an interest in becoming a family of five. Although my sister and I are close now, there were times when we didn’t get along. If there were three instead of two of us, there always would’ve been somebody else to turn to during conflicts.
Plus, three’s a party! A fun mix of personalities!
As we pondered our future family, I realized I’d have to rethink my three-year-age-difference philosophy if we were going to have three kids. Would I really want to deal with maternity clothing and leaky breastfeeding boobies over the span of six (or more) years?
But if we were to have three kids who were each two years apart, I’d have to get pregnant every 14 months. I had barely reclaimed my post-pregnancy body when Levi was 14 months old. Would I be willing to give it up again so soon after getting it back…twice?
When Levi was one, I spied two pregnant moms at Gymboree supervising boys around the same age as Levi. At the time, I couldn’t imagine chasing a one-year-old Levi while visibly pregnant with another baby. But is a two year age difference (or less!) between kids the new normal? It seems that more and more parents are choosing to have babies two years apart (or less!) rather than three.
Perhaps families are favoring a two year age difference because many woman are getting pregnant “later in life” (in their 30s instead of their 20s — so old!) and therefore have a shorter window of time to make babies. Or maybe they just want their children to be close in age. But at what cost to mom’s sanity (and figure)?
What do you think is the ideal age difference between children?
P.S. – Do you want to know what Levi is not getting for his second birthday tomorrow? A baby brother or sister!
P.P.S. – What’s the best age to become a mom?
(Photos of Jora Vess from Domestic Reflections and her adorable children taken by Kim of 180360. These insanely gorgeous images make my uterus ache for two more babies.)
I think the amount of time between kids also has a lot to do with the personality of child #1. Apparently I slept through the night at 3 months and was pretty easy going. So my younger sister and I are 27 months apart. She didn’t sleep through the night until she was 2 1/2. (Though in her favor – she potty trained herself in 1 day). Anyway, my mom said that if I hadn’t been such a good sleeper – we might have been farther apart in age.
Good point — and I wonder how many parents decided to have baby #2 because baby #1 was so easy, only to learn that #2’s personality was completely different.
My kids are going to be 19 months apart. This was not completely on purpose, nor was it completely an accident. But either way, I was shocked when I found out. Now I’m excited and terrified at the same time. The plan is to pottytrain the older one the month before I’m due, and I’m hoping he’s better at stairs by himself by that point. He is an awesome sleeper, so I agree with Ali on that front. If he was still night waking, I don’t think I’d be so gungho for another. I’m excited they’ll be so close in age because I’m hoping they’ll be the best of friends. My sister and I are 5 years apart and we didn’t really become friends until after high school. But I ALWAYS looked up to her and we didn’t fight a lot (very little competitiveness between us b/c of such a big age gap). It was probably financially easier on my parents too not having to pay for 2 kids in college at the same time. So basically….I don’t think there’s an ideal age. You just do what works best for your situation….or, your situation dictates what’s going to happen without giving you a choice and you go with the flow!
I’d love to know if you are successful at potty training your son that early because I’ve heard that, on average, boys ready to be potty-trained closer to age 3. My husband and his brother are 5 years apart and not terribly close, and I do think that siblings closer in age tend to have closer relationships as children. You may be right, though — there may not be any ideal age difference.
Hehe…I’ll give you an update in october! 🙂
this one i have to comment on. this is actually a huge, hot topic right now where I am. I have a mix of new mom friends (our kids are all 1-ish) and half of them are already pregnant with #2 and the kids will be less than 2 years apart, and some were accidental.
first, only you and J can truly decide what the right “spacing” of time would be. And you have to be happy and comfortable. My husband and I are both in agreement that IF we are to have a second child, Hunter will be at least 3 years old. I have many friends who have no desire to have #2 yet, not for at least another year when our babies will be clsoer to 3 when a sibling comes along.
We are the lucky ones that still have a difficult sleeper at 15 months. There is no physical way I could have my little guy, and be pregnant right now with another and have them be less than 2 years apart. Honestly, I think that situation would cause me to land in a mental facility due to lack of sleep and going crazy. Hunter is a wonderful, sweet, smart and inquisitive boy… but he is very high energy and we are sending him to day care come fall so he learns that he does not, in fact, make the rules about eating, napping and sleeping. I am actually quite worried that #2 could be even worse than Hunter in regards to sleeping and eating.
One of my friends is pregnant with #2 and the baby will be born a month before her daughter turns 2. When she said to me.. I am going to force her to potty train over the summer because I don’t want 2 in diapers.. it made me wonder why the rush then. She is still in her 20’s.. if she desired kids so close in age, well, I am sorry, you need to accept that your child might not be ready to potty train at that point just because you don’t want 2 in diapers.
Also, 2 other moms who got pregnant with their seconds and have children that are younger than Hunter said to me they don’t want 2 CRIBS in the house so they will make their older ones sleep on mattresses so they don’t have 2 cribs. Again, then…. WHY THE RUSH?? It boggles my mind. Why sacrifice your first child growing up at the speed they need to just because you HAD to have #2 now? It seems silly to me… but again, my opinion.
Personally, I think 3 years is perfect. It gives #1 a chance to grow up… at their speed.. and hopefully be potty trained. It gives #2 a chance to be a baby without another older baby around demanding attention. I think it gives the parents an opportunity to appreciate each child individually without the craziness of “surviving” 2 toddlers and waiting till they are older and life is easier.
But some people think it is better to have them close and basically just survive until the kids are older and they are done and life is easier with the children close in age as older children.
To each their own. basically, there is no right answer. Just what is right for your situation.
You make such a good point — why the rush? Especially if mom is in her 20s and has plenty of quality “baby-making years” ahead of her. I also love that you said this: ?Why sacrifice your first child growing up at the speed they need to just because you HAD to have #2 now?” I hadn’t thought about it from that perspective, but it’s true. Rushing a child to potty train or move out of a crib before he or she is ready just so mom and dad don’t have to deal with two babies in diapers or in cribs does seem terribly selfish.
But, like you also said, there is no one-size-fits-all answer.
Mine are all 24 months apart (Sept. 19, Sept. 30 and Oct. 9th) – so I was pregnant every 14 months! Mine were all planned pregnancies – as I wanted them close in age. For us, this has been perfect. We were able to reuse most of the baby stuff for all three and I absolutely LOVE seeing how close they are. Don’t get me wrong, they fuss over toys and whine over who goes first, but generally speaking, it’s wonderful. Ask me again in twenty years when we’ve been paying for college for 12 consecutive years.
How did you and your husband decide on a two-year age difference as opposed to three years? How far apart are you in age from your siblings (if you have them)?
In response to Adrienne’s comment about “early” potty training. After much research, I have come to the conclusion that the united states is one of the only developed countries where the avg PT age is 3. i believe a lot has to do with the diaper industry. but who knows?
in europe it’s by 2, and in asia it’s 1 (using elimination communication). so i honestly think if you stick to it, kids will learn with consistency and practice at any age having nothing to do with “readiness.” harder for the parents than the kid, really – a HUGE inconvenience that lasts about a week. and from what i hear from mom friends who waited a long time for their kids to be “ready,” when their kids were 3+, it was MUCH harder because their kids were old enough to choose not to go in the potty and were very stubborn about it. their learned behavior was almost TOO ingrained. this is obv a personal decision but just thought i’d point this out.
my comment about my friend was more about how she was saying she refuses to have 2 in diapers at once but yet she wanted them so close together. not if she can do it, and if her daughter will be receptive. it was her selfish comment at saying she basically doesn’t want 2 babies at once and wants her daughter to grow up before the new one comes.
Do you know why she ultimately decided to have two children so close in age? Or was it unplanned?
no idea. I think her and her sister are that close and she just thinks it is the right thing to do based on how she was raised. But who knows. they may have also decided to just start trying and they got pregnant quicker than expected (which thinking back, I think my husband had lunch with the father back in december and he was stressing about money and I am guessing they just found out about the second pregnancy). their daughter is a pretty easy child also – she sleeps well, very mild mannered. So they might also hope/assume #2 is like her. 🙂 so many reasons. her daughter, however, is a lil diva. she is going to have a problem on her hands when daughter #2 shows up and #1 is no longer the only star. we can ALL see it. 🙂
Did you read that New York Times article a couple months ago about “elimination communication”? Curious to know what you thought about it. Do you think you’ll try that method?
i read up a bit on elimination communication when i was pregnant with my first (and also read the Times article) but just got too lazy to do it when he arrived. i think the most effective way to practice that method is to start very early — when they’re newborn, so no, i don’t think i’ll use it. would be great if i could do that with #2, but i’m afraid i’ll be so busy running after #1 that i won’t really be able to be THAT in tune with his elimination needs. i commend anyone who actually does do it though.
By the way, thought you might find this article interesting, in case you’re *thinking* of potty training Levi soon: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kirsten-dirksen/who-decides-when-to-potty_b_265227.html
I am just jealous that people CAN plan the spacing of their children! Obviously it’s just a fun topic to discuss, and if I could choose the spacing it would be 2.5 years. : ) But in reality, I would be incredibly lucky to have a second child at all due to infertility issues. So I would welcome the addition anytime!
You’re so right — in many instances, couples have no say in their spacing of their children and would be grateful to have more than one child no matter the age difference. Food for thought…
I struggled with this a lot. Especially seeing so many friends and strangers have their kids close in age. Agree that sometimes it depends on your first child. I didn’t have an easy time with #1 and was so tired and overwhelmed when it was time to think about them being close together, I just couldn’t do it. I will always wonder about “what could have been” if we had them closer, but we are enjoying the three year spacing so far, even if it was not the original intent.
Was your original intent two years? Levi has been such a handful these past couple of months that I couldn’t even imagine what it would be like to deal with him and an infant simultaneously. Part of me is glad that I didn’t because I was able to give Levi my undivided attention (when I wasn’t distracted by other things, that is!).
I thought I would have them two years apart but my husband didn’t necessarily want them that close together. I knew I was not ready; I’m glad I waited until I was excited about having another. I thought 2.5 – 3 was very challenging! Every age has it’s ups and downs.
It’s awesome watching the kids together though. I love how the oldest loves on the baby. It’s really sweet.
why that spacing? Curious why you are on a “time limit”. I turn 35 in a couple months and they try to treat me as almost “high risk” but I think that’s nonsense. I wanted 3 and maybe, probably but who knows still do but husband just wants 2.
I do have concerns about being “high risk” later in my 30s, but that’s mostly because I’m just a worrywart in general! If only women’s bodies were designed to have babies in their 30s rather than their 20s… There’d be a lot less anxiety on my part!
Very interesting question! It isn’t something I’ve given much thought until now. I am the oldest of four, and we are all two years or less apart from the next (my youngest sibling is 5 years younger than me) but we are each two school years apart, which makes it really easy to remember ages. 🙂
I always really liked it as a kid – a lot of the time we’d group into two pairs (older two and younger two) but especially as we got older, it was easy for us all to play together. My mom is the youngest of 9, so we always have had a huge family and I can’t imagine anything different for myself in the future.
FYI: My brother and I are 3.33 years apart.
I will be 31 in December and am childless. For me, spacing can have a lot to do with finances and geographical location. If things pick up with my husband’s screenwriting, three children would be great. However, if things don’t pan out on that end, two children will be it — and when to start is difficult when dealing with grad school loans and geographical uncertainty (due to my husband’s career).
Almost 31. Yikes!
My girls are 26 months apart, it was planned; I am in my early 30’s and while my window isn’t TOTALLY looming bigger I would like 1, possibly 2 more. I want a big, noisy family so very early on felt a push to give my daughter a sibling. Also –and this seems to be a big factor with others I know and their kids’ spacing– my sister and I were 2 1/2 years apart and I liked that spacing growing up and as we got older. Yes, there’s competitiveness but I wouldn’t trade the closeness for anything.
As to the whole ‘2 in diapers’ or 2 in cribs thing, shouldn’t be an issue IMO. I tried to potty train my daughter before our 2nd came, no dice (she was nearly 2). Once the baby was here the familiarity of it all was actually easier than trying to transition out of diapers, so I kept it status quo until recently (when she showed more signs of readiness and we trained). 2 in diapers isn’t so bad! Honestly, the transition and potty training is waaay more stressful. Now we have to always have some kind of potty seat with us when out, change of clothes/underwear just in case, etc. Before when out, we could just wait until we got to somewhere convenient before needing to change–now, well, when you’ve gotta go you’ve gotta go…add to that mix an infant in arms and the whole thing can get rather hairy at times! Just food for thought.
I’m late to the party, but I do think that 2 is becoming the more common gap because of moms waiting longer to have kids. My husband and I are both only kids, so I always knew that I wanted more than one. We had never discussed going for a certain age gap. Well, they will be 26 months apart. My 20 month old does not sleep through the night. We weren’t trying, but weren’t avoiding, going on the theory of “Is there ever really a perfect time to throw yourself into chaos???” 🙂 As for potty training, my little man is nowhere near ready, but we do cloth, so I’m actually somewhat excited to have 2 in diapers. Freak. lol