Several friends and acquaintances asked me this weekend how I was feeling this late in my pregnancy.
“Eh, ok,” I replied over and over.
“That’s not true,” JB interjected each time. “You’re in a lot of pain. Tell them how you really feel.”
The truth is, I feel like shit. I’m struggling physically, mentally, and emotionally.
Let me break it down for you.
Physically… I’ve had Braxton Hicks contractions for weeks, if not months, but now they’re more intense. My sciatica is getting worse (I literally could not walk the other day), and I have terrible hip cramps from sleeping on my side. (Not that I’m sleeping very well, though.) Occasionally, I have groin and lady-parts pain.
Then there’s the waddling. I operate on one speed these days: slow. From getting out of bed and standing up from the couch to walking up the stairs and getting into the car, I exert a ridiculous amount of energy on such simple physical tasks.
I’m also tired. So very, very tired, in fact, that I took a two hour nap in the middle of writing this post — and didn’t realize I had fallen asleep.
Mentally… My mind is foggy. Pregnancy brain is interfering with everything. In just the past week, my creativity and attention span have decreased significantly, making it harder and harder to do my work (blogging and freelance writing). Just forming complete sentences is a challenge. Like, I know what I want to say, but I can’t figure out how to write it.
Making decisions has also been harder than usual. As I mentioned on Facebook yesterday, I’m kicking myself for not getting the baby’s room and Levi’s big boy room decorated and organized months ago. Now I’m struggling to figure out what we need and where it should all go. Does the changing pad cover have to match the crib sheet? Do we have enough burp cloths? Where is the My BrestFriend cover? What will the baby wear coming home from the hospital?
And let’s not even talk about finalizing a name (and a Hebrew name!) for this baby.
Emotionally… I’m not sure whether it’s a final surge of pregnancy hormones or because I’m feeling so overwhelmed, but I now find myself spontaneously bursting into tears several times a day. And as exciting as it will be for Levi to have a baby brother, it’s bittersweet knowing that soon Levi won’t have our undivided attention anymore. (Though to be fair, we do give the dog his fair share of attention.)
Levi and I don’t spend the whole day together (he’s at preschool in the morning), and he’s not always on his best behavior when it is just the two of us, but he’s my buddy. I’m anxious about how our relationship is going to change with another sibling added to the mix.
Let’s talk about what’s really scaring me.
Knowing I’m nearing the end of pregnancy (38 weeks) doesn’t make the physical pain or anxiety any more tolerable because, before I reach the light at the end of the tunnel, I have to give birth. And I’m terrified about labor and delivery.
I know what you’re thinking: This is your second baby, PJ. Don’t you remember what giving birth was like the first time around?
And that’s just the problem. I do remember. I had a ridiculously easy delivery with Levi; I wasn’t even in labor when we checked into the hospital.
At my morning OB/GYN appointment on the day that Levi was born, my doctor and I decided I would be induced that afternoon for medical reasons. In the two hours between her breaking my waters and when I received an epidural (I was already dilated 5-6cm when I arrived), I only had one painful contraction. And I can barely recall what it felt like.
I’m terrified of going into labor at home. Or worse, in public. What if I don’t recognize my contractions for what they are and end up having this baby in the restroom at Target? What if JB is at work when they start and doesn’t make it to the hospital in time? What if the contractions are just too unbearable?
Thankfully, my mom arrived from New Jersey on Saturday and is staying to help us out for the next month or so. Which is good because, between the physical pain and my mental haze, I’ve become pretty much useless to JB and Levi.
Over lunch yesterday we started talking about what to do with Levi when I go into labor. Assuming JB takes me to the hospital, does my mom bring Levi separately and wait with him while I’m in labor? Do they visit me in the delivery room or wait several hours until I’m moved into recovery?
The answer is, I’m sure, “wait and see.” It’s the standard answer to just about everything having to do with giving birth.
I hate that answer.
(Baby bump photo taken at 37 weeks. Ultrasound photo taken at 15 weeks.)
PJ you will be just fine
You are a good mommy
You are a goo d wife
You are a good person
You will be just fine
Just dont dwell on what could be
SURE_listen to who is telling you this??
Just go with the flow it will all work out in the end and t will be a great time for all
You are so much stronger than you can imagine
Be well and enjoy the ride
Love you
Thanks, Uncle D!
Even though it was difficult, you once again are able to put down in words what I know I am feeling and imagine many, many others are as well. I know that this whole parenting thing has taught me that there really is so little within our control, so having a few back up plans (without too much detail!) seems to be the best “plan”. And if you’ve done any reading on how to make the transition to two, please feel free to share???
I’m going to start looking into that today! (Beyond what’s in the back of the books we’re reading to Gavin!)
And I feel like I’m over commenting lately, but I really do want you to know how much your blog is enjoyed and appreciated!
First, there is no such thing as over commenting! Any blogger will tell you how meaningful it is to get feedback from their readers, especially me!
I haven’t actually done any reading on making the transition from one to two kids. I probably should have! My gut tells me to let Levi be involved in the caring of his baby brother as much as he is interested but also to carve out plenty of mom-and-Levi and dad-and-Levi bonding time.
I did but Levi a couple of small presents to receive in the days after the baby is born (maybe each time he visits the hospital) and plan to keep his daily routine as normal as possible. We’re not even letting family stay in our basement because I don’t want Levi’s playroom taken away when he might want to retreat down there if the baby is bothering him.
Of course, I’ll share any tips I learn along the way!
Hang in there, PJ. You are an amazing mom and person and you’ll be able to do this. 🙂 Thank you for opening up and sharing how you are feeling – just know that there are countless others of us out there feeling the same way. It will all come together as it is supposed to and when it needs to. Just trust that and allow yourself to feel what you need to. 🙂 Take care of yourself!
Thanks for the kind words of encouragement, Erica! It’s nice to know that I’m not alone in my feelings. I’ve been trying to slow down and take care of my myself and my emotional needs this week, but I feel so guilty when I don’t think I’m being productive. I need to keep reminding myself that my primary job right now is getting to the end of this pregnancy (preferably without any more major meltdowns!).
I totally know what you’re feeling like right now. I just had my second baby last summer and felt the exact same way. It’s so hard to stay encouraged during these last couple weeks, but hang in there! Once the baby comes, it’ll be easy to forget all the physical and emotional stress you’ve had to deal with.
Stay strong! Looking forward to reading about the arrival of your baby 🙂 I really enjoy reading your blog!
Thanks for the encourage, Lettie! I’m sure I felt similarly during the final weeks of my first pregnancy, but times made it easy to forgot that stressful period. Hopefully the same happens this time around!
Oh Honey, I am right there with you. I am 31 weeks pregnant with my third and it is an enormous baby! The pains, the foggy brains, zero energy, they make me want to curse out loud! I hate it when people ask, I know they mean well but let’s face it they don’t want the truth. It’s good to get it all out, vent those feelings give validity to those pains. Because making a human is stinking hard! I’m glad to hear you are going to have help. I’ve had to accept I can’t do it on my own anymore either. And that’s ok! Give yourself a break you deserve it!
It’s totally normal to worry about the new family dynamics, I know I do. But from someone who has had my second, it’s going to be great! At first I thought my kids would kill each other but they love each other to death and are best buddies. Their relationship is so adorable and one of my favorite things. 🙂
I am feeling your pain! I am only at 29 weeks and am already starting to get uncomfortable. It doesn’t help my mother-in-law keeps telling me how big I’m getting! I gained a lot of weight with my first pregnancy and, from what I can remember, it all snow balled at the end, so I’m paranoid about my weight gain this time and don’t really like to be reminded of it. Thanks for being honest about your situation. I have a lot of help and support from my family, so sometimes I feel like a baby for complaining, but it really is uncomfortable. I forgot what it is like to be so out of control of your own body.
You will be just fine, PJ. Relax, breathe and enjoy. Worrying is only going to make you tense and more uncomfortable. It will also make JB and Levi tense. Have fun with this. Enjoy the miracle. You are having a baby, and there is nothing more fabulous in the world. Celebrate!! Lots of love and good wishes heading from snowy Georgia to snowy Omaha.
My first was born so quickly that I was terrified for nine months that I was going to have my second baby in the car. It was so nerve-wracking and all I could think about. When you have a real contraction you will know. I really thought I wouldn’t, but at 1 am when I had that real first contraction we hopped right in the car for the half hour ride to the hospital and I delivered my second son 4 hours later. My sister was staying with us so she just stayed home with my sleeping 3 year old and brought him to the hospital at 7:30 am. My parents and in laws arrived around the same time but we wanted Max to be the first person to meet his little brother so my sister sent him in when they all arrived. It was a very special and overwhelming moment. Telling you to relax is easier said than done, but you will be fine! Wishing you a fast, easy, low stress delivery!!!
So, I’m going to be really honest here. The 6 weeks are freakin’ hard after the baby is born. BUT they get so much better! And Levi is older than Nikolai was (19 months) when his little brother was born, so I bet he’ll take it better and it sounds like he understands what is going to happen. N didn’t so he wasn’t at all prepared for this new alien about to move in on his mom. Be prepared for moments of confusion, jealousy and tantrums galore that he can’t have mommy all to himself, especially during the first few life changing weeks.
Labor and delivery will be the least of your problems — especially with your mom there to help with Levi. Don’t worry about that part. He will be taken care of.
I’m wishing you all the very best and pray you have a 2nd baby who is easy. Mine was much harder than his brother was and that was a whole new learning experience on top of it all. But look — I survived. And you will too! Now Nikolai gives Roman kisses and hands him toys and tries to get him to play with him. It’s all very worth it in the end. And a perk of all of this is that my N’s relationship with his dad has flourished since he’s had to do so much more with him while I’m busy with the baby.
Just remind yourself in those difficult moments that they will end at some point, and that everything is a phase. And I’m saying this all while still in the midst of “the hard years” so that has to mean something, right? You can do it! Very excited to see pics and read blog posts recounting your life with two little boys!
Oh thankyou for your honesty! This pregnancy business is actually crap! I have terrible pregnancies, this is my second and I have already had enough at 32 weeks!! I just want D-Day to roll around and be over with! I don’t understand how some ladies say they had great pregnancies, loved being pregnant blah blah blah. How is that even possible? You’re nearly there and you will be fine, woman manage to find the strength they need right when they need it somehow when it comes to this stuff but just so you know….you are not alone! Pregnancy really isn’t my thing either at all!
As someone pregnant with my third, I TOTALLY empathize with your aches and pains and haze. Putting socks and shoes on is LITERALLY the hardest part of my day. 🙂 However, I know this will be my last time around the pregnancy block so I’ve vowed to not complain for the last few weeks of my pregnancy. I am starting to realize I’ll never feel those kicks to the ribs agsin, not will I ever sleep with a giant pillow wrapped around me again. I will never have to hike up maternity pants to my armpits or struggle to see my toes in the shower (hopefully). So, I know it’s hard but it’s also a miracle… A miracle we lose shut of in those aches, pains, and haze. A miracle lots if women try really hard to experience but can’t.