Levi and I have most of our heart-to-hearts while he’s sitting on the toilet.
He’ll be four in July, so our conversations mostly have to do with events that occurred earlier that day (or sometimes earlier that week) at nursery school. For example, he had to be a bad guy instead of a good guy when playing superheroes with his friends. Or a classmate wouldn’t share the pretend tools and he really wanted to play with them.
I listen to his stream of consciousness, offering the occasional “Oh, really?” and “How did that make you feel?” and “How do you think that made so-and-so feel?” But every so often, Levi asks direct question that stumps me.
This past weekend, while he was going potty, Levi wanted to know about the pharaoh from the story of Passover. Where did he live? Was he still there? Could we see him?
Sitting on the ledge of the tub, I explained to Levi that Pharaoh lived in a far, far away place called Egypt a long, long time ago. It was the long, long ago part that he just couldn’t grasp.
“So is Pharaoh still there?”
“No, that happened many, many, many years ago and there isn’t a Pharaoh anymore.”
“Why? Where did he go?”
“Uh, he went away.”
“Well, where did go?”
“Umm, he died.”
“What does died mean?”
A pause.
“Stop playing with those pieces of toilet paper, and wipe your tushy if you’re done going potty.”
Perhaps that wasn’t my finest parenting moment. But I find relief in knowing I’m not the only mom who isn’t sure how to talk to my kid about the really hard stuff.
My friend Alyssa, in a fantastic parenting interview on Mommy Shorts, recalls the time her daughter asked how babies come out of mommies’ tummies. Her reply was that the doctor does “some special magic.” In retrospect, she wasn’t proud of her answer. In fairness, I’m not sure how I’d explain the miracle of birth to my preschooler, either.
Do you have any tips on how to explain big concepts like birth and death to little kids? Have you ever been asked any cringe-worthy questions by a preschooler? If so, how did you respond?
(photo from my Instagram)
Love this post! (And thanks for the shoutout!) Sadie hasn’t really brought up death yet and I’m totally dreading it!!
You’re welcome! You might want to start brainstorming how you might talk to her about it so you’re not caught without an answer when the time comes!
A asked me at least once a week about heaven. He asks very detailed questions about how you get there, what you wear, where you live, how you get back etc. I struggle with it often and usually change the subject. Lately, I’ve just told him that I don’t know…sometimes mom’s don’t have all the answers. He asks when you die etc. I told him that he doesn’t have to worry about it but he tells me that he’s interested because he doesn’t know much about it. He knows it’s someplace you go when u get very old (which was a bit embarrassing when he asked great-grandparents if they would die soon because they are old). It’s a hard concept to explain. Sounds like you did a good job!
Do you know who A learned about heaven? Was it from a book or a TV show or something that happened in real life?
Kids are so thirsty for knowledge, but it’s hard to know what and how much to teach them! They are also excellent at asking super embarrassing questions at inappropriate times.
My 4 year old spotted a dead bird while we were wandering on a mommy-son date. He just had to know about it. I’ve learned that he’s a deeply rational and meticulous thinker. One question means a slew of follow-ups until his thoughts are sorted. Knowing that, and knowing myself, I decided to just be as straightforward and matter-of-fact as possible to avoid talking myself into a hole. It’s a hard concept to grasp when you’re four! It’s harder to talk about when you understand it.
We’re in a cringe-worthy phase regarding race. But that’s a whole blog post I’ve been trying to write for months! I never anticipated all of these difficult discussions when I was trying to survive yet another night feeding…
I’d love to know how to ended up explaining the dead bird!
We haven’t touched upon race yet, but I’ve been trying to mention (as often as I can) that people come in all different shapes and sizes and believe in all different types of things.
We talk about race quite a bit in our family since we’re a foster family living in a rural community. We’ve had kids of all shapes, colors and backgrounds placed with us over the years. I was recently on a date with my 5 year old at a local aquarium where we were looking a purple spiny urchins – (they come in two distinct shades, light purple almost pinkish and darker purple). I held one of each close together and said “see how this one is light purple and this one is really dark purple? They’re the same animal though – just like how when you put your arm next to my arm your skin is darker than mine but we’re just the same.” It’s an easy way to tackle a tougher subject.
First, I think it’s amazing that you’re a foster family. Thank you for everything you do! And I love how brought up race by talking about the different color urchins in the aquarium. Seems like an easy way for kids to start understanding the topic.