sitting, waiting, wishing

Today, July 9th, is my due date. Forty weeks ago I thought it might be cool to have a baby born on 7/9/11 because his birthday would be on consecutive odd numbers. But today I’m just scared, and all I can wonder is if my life going to completely change in less than 24 hours.

Over the last couple of weeks, JB and I have been talking about whether we’re “ready.” According to my husband, it doesn’t really matter; the baby is going to come when the baby wants to come. And when our little guy arrives, we’ll be as “ready” as we can be. JB doesn’t think that sitting and waiting in anticipation will make us any more prepared. All it does, he thinks, is make us feel more anxious.

For the most part, I agree. I think I’m done waiting. I’m certainly over not knowing when this is going to happen (and of people asking about it), and I’m tired of feeling uncomfortable in my own body. But I also don’t feel ready for the next step… and the step after that… and the one after that. I’m nervous for the delivery and for taking care of a newborn and for successfully raising a happy and healthy son.

Since Wednesday I’ve been experiencing new sensations — lower pelvic and back cramping, brief bouts of nausea — and I worry that I’m not taking these symptoms seriously. Am I in labor? At my doctor’s appointment on Tuesday I was already 4cm. What if I don’t realize I’m in labor until the very last second and then I give birth on the way to the hospital? (By the way, having a baby in the car is NOT an option. It’s a lease.) When do we start timing my contractions? What if I’m having cramping but no contractions? Everybody has been reassuring me that I will absolutely know when I am in labor, but I have convinced myself that I won’t. I am completely paranoid.

JB suggested we run some errands and treat the day as if it were any other instead of sitting at home and waiting for something to happen. But in the back of my mind, I will continue to wonder if our little man will be one of the elite 5% of babies who makes his entry into this world on his due date.

To be continued…

{self-portrait taken outside my house}