After promising JB a week ago that I’d make matzoh ball soup for dinner, I finally made good on my word last night. While he ran to Costco with Levi, I rolled matzoh balls and chopped chicken while wearing Asa in the Baby K’tan. For 15 minutes or so, I was a champion at multi-tasking.
Levi and Asa were sleeping by the time the soup was finished cooking, and JB was out in the garage installing a car seat protector. As I ladled out the first portion of soup into the low-rimmed soup bowl I was holding in my left hand, I clumsily tipped the bowl, spilling boiling broth onto my palm. Yelling in pain, I tossed the bowl onto the stove and ran over to the sink to run cold water on my hand.
My hand under the faucet, I began to sob. JB, who had come in from the garage when he heard me yell, asked, “I know your hand hurts, but why are you really crying?”
The boy knows me too well.
Because the kitchen was such a mess that there wasn’t space to the bowl on the counter while pouring the soup.
Because we were eating at 9pm.
Because Levi, who only got half of his usual nap, missed his 7:30pm bedtime.
Because he and his brother had put me through the ringer all day.
Because I haven’t figured out how to be the mom of two and the type of wife/friend/professional I want to be.
Because I don’t like being away from the blog for too long, and I’m struggling to find the time, motivation, and brain power to do the work I want to do.
Of course, I wasn’t able to articulate most of this last night. I just wanted close my eyes and fall asleep as I iced my palm and cried into JB’s shoulder.
Eventually, the pain in my hand subsided, and we quietly ate our soup (that JB served) while watching an old episode of Hollywood Game Night. But my frustration with trying to juggle motherhood and the other things I’d like to accomplish (having a successful career being at the top of that list) remains.
Right now I don’t have any answers. I have no idea how to nurture my family while nurturing myself, how to not feel like a failure when I can’t manage it all.
I have more to say, but first, my baby is crying…again.
(images via The Glow)